In the name of radical honesty, something I’ve only begun to bring into action (despite two years of pro-active work on it), I am writing this. I have lost quite a few years of my life to mental illness, something deep and disrupting, that removed my memory, my passion, my will. I am only beginning to recover, and as I look around, I cringe. I make new friends with similar interests, yet mine feel so undeveloped. So, I’m starting a blog. To create passion. To work on projects. To make something of myself, as I no longer wish to offload my life path on the fickle nature of academia and capitalism.
This is a push for me. I often hold myself to the belief that recovery from mental illness is significantly more dependent on one’s ability to accept their present state, than to push for some symbiosis of their past and future selves. However, I don’t think that’s enough anymore.
In recent years, I’ve become close to quite a few amazing people. (those who are direct influences to this blog are named in the About section) I’ve forgotten most of our conversations, still reeling from the haze of dissociation, but their influence on me has been profound. Meeting these people has made me remember with more clarity than ever before the person I used to be. Though I was disconnected from others as a child, I was curious.
In my long struggle with disease, I have lost my curiosity. I have accepted my fate as one of sadness, pain (both emotional and physical), and suffering. In tandem, my exposure to the bourgeoisie for the first time in college showed me what the United States is incentivized to believe about me, and what I am expected to do. I won’t go into much detail here, but a brief synopsis is as follows:
“I am but a foundation. I must learn from those superior to me, in class, education, resources, etc. so that I may become one of them, so that my children may live truly free lives.”
In being a first-generation college student, this felt as a real as any scientific fact I readily gobbled down in my childhood. Its implications seethed into my daily life, and I lost my power in the wake of new awareness. It is difficult for me to elaborate further than this on how disease and new awareness shaped me into an altogether different personality — perhaps this is the opaque blanket trauma drapes over my memories, or perhaps I’ve simply been dulled by my recent experiences in life.
Whatever the case may be, I’d now like to try to subvert these abstract notions I’ve laid out. Not with ignorant bliss, but with a valiant rejection of the applied Sisyphean reality that threatens to consume my life. So, I’m starting this blog.
I’m also trying to do a lot of other things. I’ve been learning about mycology (which I’ll be writing about here) and applying to jobs and graduate school (which I don’t feel ready for, but hopefully I will by next fall). I don’t plan to write many posts like this, but maybe once in a while. I’d like my more technical work to speak for itself, and to figure out how to weave my life into my science and art.
If you’re reading this and aren’t enjoying it, please try one of my less personal entries before writing off the blog. And to the rest of you, do savor the time, and connect with me. I’d like to build a community around these ideas, and have that community connect and meld with others in whatever organic way arises.